Nobody Gets My Best

We homeschool, always have. We knew before we had our first that we wanted to teach our children at home. The main reason was that we were excited about the idea of filling the holes that we perceived in our own educations. Later the importance of being able to incorporate faith lessons added to the list of incentives. Once we became parents we felt all the more strongly that we carried a huge responsibility to raise up our children in the manner that we saw fit and we knew that educating them ourselves would prove to be a valuable tool towards that end. Once we actually were teaching them at home it was just way too much fun seeing their eyes light up when they learned a new concept to share. We are selfish, you see.

Being selfish means that often I am pulled more ways than I can possibly stretch to cover. This morning I found myself trying to move from math to handwriting. I had sitting at the table three 'students' that I was trying to reach. From the next room was coming the sounds of the online math video being watched by one of the olders, the sound of which was more distracting to me than to the students at the table because I have issues focusing. I knew in the back of my mind that I needed to look outside to check on the kids taking a break by gathering up downed branches that were to be added to the fire. Dixie sat in her highchair gradually melting down. Linnea was working on our mid-day meal and needed directions. Then...Tim walked in the door with things that he wanted to discuss regarding his plans for the morning just as Dixie escalated to a roar and Noah decided that the best way to practice handwriting was with the pencil that his older brother was using and while trying to ignore Dixie and listen to Tim and mediate the great pencil war...Judah slipped under my arm and made a dash for the front door and freedom.

Whereupon I gave up and hurled a teachers guide down the hall. I give up. Again.

Tim, wise man that he is, called me into our bedroom. He reassured me that it would be OK. He reminded me that this was all good, that this is to be enjoyed, after all, it won't be forever--in fact it might be the last time we have to deal with a 21 month old while teaching, that eventually our toddler days would come to a close.

I didn't listen. All I could see was my frustration that, as I told him, "Nobody is getting my best!"

Is there a way to make sure that everyone gets my best? That the kids get taught and dinner cooked and toddlers played with and husband listened to? That I am diligent in meeting my responsibilities with joy and grace? I honestly do not think so. When we began having a large family and homeschooling and then tossed in the farm for good measure, it seemed that it would be easy. We laid there at night and talked in the darkness of how many kids we would have, breathlessly counting out babies per year and saying in stunned (and slightly terrified) voices"Fourteen! We could have fourteen children!" (I do not think we will make it.) When we discussed homeschooling over coffee after the homeschooling conferences it was with excitement "Latin! We can teach Latin! I always wanted to learn Latin, but my mom thought it was foolish to waste time on a "dead" language..." Contemplating the farm was filled with bucolic imaginings of chore time, fresh eggs and pink cheeked children. What I hadn't considered was how to keep the buckets filled when there were so many buckets to fill. How do I give my best to everyone?

The truth is, I think, (now that I am in a calmer frame of mind) is that I do give my best. The problem is that my best does not match what I think my best should be. My best should include children that are beyond perfectly educated--that Latin? Well besides the fact that several of our children call us "Mater" and "Pater", we haven't progressed very far and now the older ones who we did try to teach Latin tell me that they would prefer German and Swedish. But you know what? I think I am pretty pleased that they 1)want to master a foreign language and 2)plan to do so--even if it is on their own, courtesy of an online program. After all, our goal was always to give them the tools with which to learn and the love of learning and then get out of the way. Plus...learning Latin was what I wanted to do, can I do less than give them the freedom to learn that I wished I had been given. The voices whispering in my ear tell me that the farm should be much more productive and a model of efficiency. But you know what? The farms that look like that aren't being worked by two stretched parents teaching the children at their elbows. We didn't have children to work the farm--we started the farm to give us a chance to work with our children. If this means that the farm will look in many ways like it is being run by children it will be because it IS being run by children that are being trained to assume responsibility and find joy in their work. The world tells me that my toddler should learn to sit quietly in her chair and color while her siblings are learning to work. Not only does she need to learn patience, the older children need that undivided attention. Really? Or is it that the olders need to learn to deal with distraction (someday they may have to know how to deal with distractions in their own homes or workplaces) and the toddler? She needs to get down out of that chair, so down she comes, into mom's room because mom and baby both need the space to cuddle their way back into their right minds.

I am giving my best by doing my best. Somedays it is easy, somedays it feels like I am being poured out as a sacrifice minute by minute. I do my best by obeying my callings to the best of my ability and trusting God--and my family--with the rest.